I'm sitting here thinking about the holiday season. I answered a post from another website that I belong to that was titled "What are your favorite holiday memories?" I can't help but think about my sister Jenn. We used to get up so early and open our stockings and then after we couldn't wait any longer we would go wake up Mom and Dad. They never wanted to get up. When they finally did get up Dad would make blueberry muffins for breakfast and then after breakfast we would go open our presents. Sitting here thinking about those times with the family makes me smile but also makes me cry. I really miss Jenn. She and I didn't get along our whole lives. It was I guess a love hate relationship. Jenn was a good sister even though she thought she was better than me. I still love her and miss her so much.

Now that I'm married and have a family of my own I do bring a part of my childhood to my marriage. When Ginger and I get up on the morning of our wedding anniversary I make us blueberry muffins to help celebrate and start off our day together.

As I sit here thinking about Christmas and family and all that sort of stuff I can't help but think about who and what I have become. I have been in the past a very bitter man, an oh poor me man and a stubborn pighead who only thinks of himself. I have hurt almost everyone I know in one way or another, but the one I think I hurt the most is my Son, Levi Scott. The last time I saw him he was 3 years old. I was afraid of him. I didn't know how to be a father. I know I loved him but that scared the heck out me. I still love him to this day. My fondest memory was when Levi and I were watching tv in my bedroom. We were watching a hockey game and I had dozed off for a few minutes and Levi climbed up on my chest and gave me a kiss and said "I love you daddy" and then he layed down next to me and went to sleep. That is by far my fondest memory.

Levi, Dad, Sue, Tonja, Steve and Marie I'm sorry for all the hurt and heartache I have put all of you through. I can only imagine what I have done to you all. I'm not asking to come back into your lives because of all the crap I put you guys through, but I would just like to say that from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry I love you guys. I have been the worst kind of man. In fact I haven't been a man at all. I've been a coward and thought only of myself. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and ask God to help me be the man I am supposed to be.